Traveling Landlord Must-See: Fells Point, Baltimore – Booze, Art, Booze, Food, Booze, History… and Booze

If you’ve never been to Baltimore’s historic Fells Point waterfront throwback, you’re missing out. How many neighborhoods in America boast cobblestone streets, wharfs filled with everything from 8 foot fishing boats to 80 foot yachts, bars dating back more than 200 years, and a crowd made up of one part hippie, one part yuppie, one part hipster, one part urban redneck, and 5 parts funky? Not many.

Fells Point dates back to the mid 1700s, and was a major East Coast shipping port where sailors would dock, drink and do the nasty, and to this day metal stars line the buildings in what was originally an indication of how to get to the brothels (one establishment, Red Star, restored one of the ancient brothels and converted it to a chic restaurant bar). Some bars, such as the Waterfront Hotel and the Wharf Rat, look just about the same as they did 200 years ago when they were built. Rumor has it that Fells Point has the highest concentration of liquor licenses per acre in the United States, and believe you me, the drinks flow like water here.

One of the great selling points of Baltimore is its low cost real estate and residential lease housing. Even in historic Fells Point, it’s possible to find a 2-bedroom townhouse for $1,250, despite recent surges in demand for residential lease housing. Commercial space is often available as well, ranging from restaurant space to coffee shops to retail and art galleries. The art galleries are intimate, funky, diverse and fascinating – like the city itself.

And the food. Baltimore is known for its seafood, and Fells Point does not disappoint. From $1 oysters at the Waterfront Hotel to buttery mussels at Bertha’s Mussels to unique smoked crab cakes at Pierpoint Restaurant, there’s seafood to die for. Keep an eye out for tiny hole-in-the-wall establishments that almost always have a waiting list to enter – Blue Moon for breakfast and Peter’s Inn for dinner come to mind as exceptional examples. And if burgers or pizza are your thing, check out some of the best burgers in the country at Koopers Tavern and gourmet pizza at Bartenders.

Whether you’re thinking of moving to Baltimore or just passing through, check out Fells Point as the must-see neighborhood of Baltimore. Craigslist will show off plenty of options for snagging a residential lease, and if you’re just passing through it’s an easy walk from the Inner Harbor and Harbor East. Or skip that and take the watery route instead, by signing a lease on a boat slip and living on a houseboat, or taking the water taxi from Federal Hill or the Inner Harbor over. It’s beautiful and grungy, historic and vibrant, filled with local flavor and waterfront wharf-liness, a true gem of American history and culture… and drinking.

Traveling Landlord Lament: Santa Barbara

If you’ve never been to Santa Barbara, nestled between the mountains and gorgeous California beaches, it’s hard to describe just how perfect of a place it… was.

Consider these advantages:

-Santa Barbara has perfect weather year-round.

-Santa Barbara sits right on the coast, and features lovely sandy beaches.

-Santa Barbara backs up to the mountains.

-Santa Barbara has eighty wineries within a half hour’s drive.

-Santa Barbara’s architecture is remarkably consistent, with low buildings with red Spanish tile roofs.

So what’s the problem?

Santa Barbara is a victim of its own perfection, and is now one of the most expensive places in the country to live. If a $1,000,000 price tag for an average size home (or a $6,000/month rental lease) is acceptable to you, and it probably isn’t, there’s yet another problem: the independent businesses, which were the heart of Santa Barbara’s charming personality, have almost all been priced out of the market.

Replacing them are stores like Anthropologie and Hollister, which belong in Kansas shopping malls, not some of the most beautiful streets in the country.

And so goes America: we have a fixed number of historic, beautiful, charming places, and no end to the desperation to get into them, which means that sooner or later only the very wealthy will be able to own homes or even sign a rental lease in these endangered places.

Traveling Landlord Notable Destination: Lake Tahoe’s North Shore

Lake Tahoe, 12 miles wide by 22 miles long, sits near the eastern border of California where it meets Nevada. At the southern end of the lake, South Tahoe (or the South Shore) features more casinos, bars, nightlife, and general carousing, but that remains a travelogue entry for another day.

North Tahoe, AKA the North Shore, features a small, rustic, quaint, and utterly disarming little town called Tahoe City, filled with little gems like the Front Street Station pizza house (which would more accurately be labeled a cabin or hut than a house). While there exists a token McDonalds, it forms a clear minority among local independent businesses, such as the Thai Kitchen, the Gear & Grind Cafe, and Blue Agave (“Mexican with Altitude,” for those who like groan-able humor).

All of the latter cases illustrated quite convincingly why Tahoe City’s establishments have a notorious reputation for great atmosphere and food, and terrible service. The service staff, you see, are all seasonal employees, who have far more interest in mind altering substances than, say, their job, so be prepared to wait twice as long for anything you order in Tahoe City, but the end result won’t disappoint.

There is, however, an excellent reason for all those seasonal employees who flock to Tahoe each year, or rather a host of reasons, depending on the season. Winter in Tahoe is, of course, ski season, and North Tahoe doesn’t disappoint. Two Traveling Landlord highlights include Squaw Valley and Alpine Meadows ski resorts, which both featured vertical drops of several thousand feet and an impressive range of trails. Particularly noteworthy about both resorts is their proclivity towards open trail systems, where skiers and boarders can simply unload from the lift and take any direction down the mountain, without being necessarily confined to specific runs. Squaw was a little larger and a little more expensive, while Alpine catered more towards intermediate and advanced skiers and boarders. Winter pleasures also include skating on the lake and snowshoeing the area, including moonlight snowshoe tours and other hearty excursions for the intrepid.

During the warmer months, a network of trails totaling well over 400 miles keeps outdoors enthusiasts infinitely busy with hiking, camping, biking, running, and backpacking. And, of course, there’s the lake itself, offering endless opportunities for boating, fishing, waterskiing, swimming, or simply sunbathing.

No Traveling Landlord forms entry would be complete without a professional note about landlord- and real estate conditions. Tahoe City isn’t cheap, but it is gorgeous, and it is (for better or worse) in easy driving distance from a dozen cities (most notably Sacramento and the San Francisco bay area), which means there’s plenty of demand and only so much supply on the pristine North Shore. Condos can be found, however, in the $200s, which makes it surprisingly affordable for anyone considering a primary residence there.

Given the seasonal nature of the area, increasing numbers of landlords are offering seasonal rental leases, to maximize the value for individual tenants. For example, many landlords offer a ski season rental lease, from December through April, a summer lease from May through September, and the landlord often comes to enjoy the property themselves for a few weeks in between the seasonal rental leases.

Some landlords are even going so far as creating their own little time share/co-op rental leases seasonally, to further split the availability. What they’re doing is offering a weekend seasonal rental lease, and a separate weekday rental lease to unrelated tenants, so that the rental properties end up with more usage and maximum ROI for both tenants and landlords. An intriguing trick, and one we’ll no doubt see more of in resort/second home/seasonal areas such as Lake Tahoe.

Traveling Landlord Daytrips – San Francisco’s Environs

San Francisco – home of the Golden Gate Bridge, the curviest street in the world, and Rice-A-Roni, right? What else is going on around San Francisco? Here are a few ideas beyond the touristy kitsch, for those looking for something a little different.

A Walk in Muir Woods
Honoring the famed 19th century conservationist John Muir, Muir Woods is one of only a few original growth ancient redwood stands in the world. Some of the trees are several thousand years old, and look it: these are the tallest trees in the world. For anyone who loves hikes, trees, nature, or simply a pleasant stroll in scenic territory, Muir Woods is worth the stop.

Post-Walk Wine
All right, all right, you say, I did my good-person duty and visited the d@mn trees, now I want something for me, d@mmit! Well, a short drive northeast puts you in wine country: Napa and Sonoma Valleys, home to hundreds of vineyards large and small, crafting wines ranging from robust zinfandels to rarer mourvedres. Some of wineries charge for tastings, others offer complimentary tastings; some sell wines for $7, others starting at $70, but regardless of taste or budget there’s something for every wine lover. For the non-wine lovers in your group, the landscape is stunningly gorgeous, with rolling, vine-covered hills, castles with dungeons, Italian villas, French chateaus, fountains, orchards, and a pleasant feeling of anachronism. This landscape could be 1724 Bordeaux, or 75 B.C. Tuscany, or 1867 California; it’s charming, timeless, and very, very attractive. The risk, of course, is that you’ll fall in love with the area (as with so many others), only to find that you can’t afford a rental lease there (as with so many others).

Sunset at Half Moon Bay
Half Moon Bay (another high rent district where you can’t afford a rental lease- I checked) lies only a few minutes south of San Francisco, yet never seems overly crowded despite it’s abundant charms. Along a beautiful beach with bluffs and walkway overlooking the coast and ocean, Half Moon Bay’s nostalgic charm is home to many art galleries, restaurants, expensive boutiques, and all the other trappings of charming-small-town-cum-tourist-magnet, including a vineyard (shared with a particularly talented glass blower, incidentally). Stop by the vineyard, pick up a bottle of wine, and take the wine to the beach for an ad hoc picnic overlooking the Pacific sunset.

Elephant Seals at Point Reyes National Seashore
Do you know what an elephant seal looks like? First, imagine a 10 foot long, fat, grayish seal, then add a short elephant trunk, then multiply it by at least 100, making the noisy racket of hundreds of baboons. The elephant seals are louder than you can possibly imagine, creating a racket that can be heard for miles. Still, it’s quite a sight to see hundreds of these creatures all waddling around and barking/howling/wailing/growling at each other. There’s a pleasant 1.8 mile walk that leaves from the same parking lot, which leads to a picturesque bench overlooking the coast from atop a ridge.

The city of San Francisco itself will have to wait for another time, but yes, there are a lot of gay people, and yes, finding an apartment with an affordable rental lease here is nearly impossible. In some ways it’s a shame that it must be so expensive, forcing residents to work multiple jobs and sacrifice some quality of life simply to live here, but it is a vibrant city surrounded by a wealth of opportunities for unique experiences, and it is, after all, on the much-coveted California coastline.

Featured Real Estate Resources
Sales Techniques for Any Real Estate Market
Rental Lease – courtesy of EZ Landlord Forms

Traveling Landlord Excursion – Phuket, Thailand

Once upon a cold winter, a young Traveling Landlord said something poetic like “screw the cold” and booked a trip to Phuket, Thailand with his girlfriend and several other friends. For the uninitiated, Phuket is a tropical island, natively inhabited by jungle, and the home of geologically-curious collapsed island forms with internal rainforest lagoons.

It’s also, incidentally, the site where Leonardo DiCaprio’s “The Beach” and 007′s “The Man with the Golden Gun” were shot.

So what’s Phuket all about, anyway?

First of all, let’s start with the first thing on everyone’s mind (no, not infamous Thai massages), food. Thai food in America is quite enjoyable, but Thai food in Thailand is unbelievably delicious, if your mouth can survive the chemical-weapons-grade assault that the spices inflict. Be sure to ask for the mild dishes appropriate for a Farang if you’re not a fan of the spiciness.

Wait, Farang? What’s Farang?

Farang are the white American and Europeans who visit, fall in love with Phuket, and simply stay, setting up little scuba diving shops or German restaurants. Granted, every once in a while, the locals decide to have a Farang round-up and just throw them all overboard, but it gives you some insight into Phuket’s appeal that so many round-eyes are so quick to drop their Western lives and move there.

Moving on. Let’s talk about everyone’s second favorite topic (no, still not Thai masseuses), exchange rate. The exchange rate is favorable to say the least, and we stayed on a short-term lease agreement that made American lease rates seem usurious. Medium to high-end restaurants charged the equivalent of $7-15 for the meal, and $.75-2 for huge, local beers (Singha tastes much better over there). Professional aside: the landlord forms such as the lease agreement were disturbingly brief (think a paragraph for the entire lease agreement), but I decided it was a sign that their culture is far more trusting and far less litigious than our own – both a pleasant departure from American bull$hit.

All right, all right, I’ll tell you about the Thai massage. Now, granted, I didn’t get one, but my friend… well, he said that his $10 was better spent than the $2,748 he wasted on his last girlfriend, and the massage was more satisfying.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, you need to hear about the collapsed islands. For a geological reason that escapes me, a great deal of the local islands followed this pattern: a large, rocky, dome-bubble forms and spikes upward above the surface, and then the roof of the dome collapses, leaving a rocky external shell. Inside, the collapsed, newly open shell forms a lagoon, teeming with rainforest life, from jungle vegetation to macaques to tropical birds to walking fish. Yes, there are actual walking fish, with both gills and lungs, that climb up on the roots of these mangrove-like trees that grow up from the water in the lagoons. It’s cool.
So what you do is you canoe through these sea-caves that form tunnels linking the lagoons with the outside sea, to get under the rock shell and inside the island. Most of the caves are submerged except for low tide, so either go with a guided canoe tour, or if you sign a lease agreement on the canoes and just rent them on your own, time your trips REALLY well!

As a final note, I’ve never met a friendlier and less-assuming people than the Thai people. They are warm, friendly, and genuinely appear glad to have you come and sign on for their (limited-term) leasing landlord forms. This is in sharp contrast to the Caribbean, where the radiating resentment can actually cause sunburns and retinal damage if you stare for too long at a local. My advice: skip the Caribbean and go visit a place where your money goes further and the people actually want you there!

Traveling Landlord Tour – Colorado’s Front Range

The Front Range of Colorado has everything a rental investor could hope for: appreciating real estate values, an upwardly mobile population, high median education, and consistent population influx. Unfortunately, because it’s been appreciating for some time, there’s little chance of a massive spike in value, and purchase prices aren’t dirt cheap, but there’s a strong likelihood that values will continue to appreciate gradually.

First of all, I suppose we had better start with a definition: Colorado’s Front Range includes Denver, Boulder (which we covered in some detail last time around), Fort Collins, and all the suburbs and little mountain towns that speckle the nearby landscape. While many of the mountain towns are traditional “redneck” or “mobile home” enclaves, don’t be deceived; many are quaint, charming, artsy, and expensive.

Fellow traveling landlords might consider buying a home here for sporadic use as a second home, and signing a lease agreement on it for most of the time. There are plenty of seasonal spikes and interest here, from ski bums to ski resort workers to snowshoers and snowmobilers in the winter, to hikers and campers and watersports buffs in the summer, to college students for the September to May stretch. Many traveling landlords may be interested in signing month-long leases to these crowds in the winter and summer, and spending a month or two in the property each spring and fall.

So what’s here? What’s worth seeing?

Obviously, there’s world-class skiing. The major resorts are within an hour and half drive, and some less expensive resorts are right here in the midst of the Front Range itself (such as Loveland and Eldora). But beyond the obvious, why come spend time here?

One reason is that the scenery is strikingly gorgeous, from the dramatic canyons to the sheer mountainsides to the bright blue lakes. The mountains make for fantastic hiking, camping, biking, and rock climbing (any drive up into the mountains from Denver or Boulder usually provides impressive displays of lead-climbers defying death and gravity 300 feet up a cliff face). There are trails and bike lanes everywhere, encouraging bikers and hikers to move about free of their motorized transport.

Another reason is the microbrewery scene. Yes, you heard correctly; the microbrewing culture spreads the entire Front Range and provides the best craft beers in the country. The beer itself aside, the microbrew culture is one of open-mindedness, worldliness, and art, and one trip to Left Hand Brewing Company or Twisted Pine Brewery will reveal.

Speaking of art, every mountain town worth its salt brims full of art galleries, artists, co-ops, and experimental work. Check out Nederland, Georgetown, and Manitou Springs for some great art galleries beyond the often-snooty Boulder art scene.

The Front Range is the perfect spot for a rental-second home hybrid, for traveling landlords who enjoy their outdoor sports, their craft beer, their art, and a population filled with educated, worldly people. Swing by and take a deep breath of fresh air, and while you’re at it a deep sip of Doppelbock.

Traveling Landlord Case Study – Boulder, Colorado

Boulder is a strange city in some ways, a stunning city in others, and hypocritical mess in others.

I suppose the place to begin is with its existing reputation. Yes, it is very environmentally-friendly, yes, it’s very liberal, yes, it’s very artsy, and yes, there are a LOT of hippies.

Part of this can be explained by the 30,000+ student population of University of Colorado, Boulder, but only a small part. That makes sense, right? Students tend to be liberal, no surprises there.

But here’s the thing – the city’s RICH! It’s the 7th wealthiest city in the nation, according to an MSN report in late 2009. In fact, the average listing price for a piece of real estate at the time of that study was over $800,000.

Yet, according to the same study, the median household income was less than $86,000. Which begs the question “Where is that money coming from?” And, even more curious to me as a political observer, how is the 7th wealthiest city in the country so liberal? (Liberals tend to support higher taxes for the wealthy, which makes sense if you’re a student and don’t make any money, but who supports higher taxes for THEMSELVES?)

Political curiosities aside, Boulder is a beautiful city. The Flatirons along the Front Range of the Rockies overlook the city, creating a dramatic backdrop to a green, lean, and healthy city (and I do mean lean: finding a fat person here is rarer than finding a conservative). There are unbelievable hikes that start within city limits, and world class skiing is easily accessible, and bike lanes line every street.

The art, theater, and music scenes here are also impressive, with frequent art exhibition opening galas, a large community of artists, and a thriving music industry.

Oh, and I almost forgot: the local breweries and vineyards are a blast. Back alley breweries are hidden away in commercial and storage parks, and can only be found by internet. Beware, however: the combination of a thirsty population (Boulder’s on the Top 5 list for drinking cities in America), the mild-yet-noticeable altitude (about 5,000 feet), and the adventuresome spirit of the place forms the perfect storm for tasty, extremely high alcohol-content beers that will have you seeing double by the end of your second beer.

So here’s my question: how do any of the hippies afford to live here? No landlord or rental investor in their right mind would possibly believe they could earn a cash flow from a rental agreement, so who provides “affordable housing?” For all its artistic charm, how much longer will the artists be able to afford to live here?

Which forms my last (and saddest) point: there are few small businesses left in Boulder. Starbucks abound, along with chains like Einstein Bros. Bagels, Old Chicago Pizza, and the like. Small businesses have been priced out of Boulder, as the astronomical costs of real estate and startup have made it virtually impossible for a new, independent business to set up shop here. The surviving small businesses are boutiques so well-established, and so expensive, that they can only gain from the increasing exclusivity.

Come visit and stay with a friend, if you can, but don’t even think about buying a piece of real estate or signing a rental agreement out here unless you’re prepared to break the piggy bank to do so.

landlord forms

Traveling Landlord Entry – The Bahamas

The public face...

Anyone who’s ever visited The Bahamas knows just how enticing they are physically, and how un-enticing they are culturally.

In fact, The Bahamas form one of the most extreme cases of exactly what’s wrong and what’s right with the Caribbean generally. After all, booming tourism as a primary industry is a double-edged sword: other than the Shady Caymans (if you do any international banking, you know what I mean), the entire Caribbean depends on tourism for the overwhelming majority of their gross domestic revenues. Very little is actually produced in the Caribbean, which has essentially made the entire region dependent on foreign money.

The locals HATE this. They resent tourists, especially white ones, especially American white ones. And, in some ways, it’s understandable; the islands of the Caribbean have been colonized since their discovery, and had their fate determined by outsiders from the beginning.

...the other face

However, this means that unless you actually reside (or have a second home) in the Caribbean, you’re not likely to find much welcome there outside the resorts. Signing a long term rental agreement in a tiny town occupied largely by expats on a remote island is the way to go – if you can afford it.

And affording it means more than just the price on the rental agreement. It means being able to afford to GET there, both financially and temporally, as it can take an entire day to make the travel from your door step to your home away from home, between multiple flights, boat rides, taxis, and shooing giant lizards out of the street.

Which brings us back to The Bahamas. They are inexpensive, they are easily accessed (cheap, direct flights from many US cities), they boast beautiful beaches and coves. But because of their easy access, the locals are particularly resentful and distrustful towards tourists, and they will not make your stay pleasant unless they are on duty at the resort and being paid to do so. And, even then, they take their sweet time in doing anything to help you – I once waited over an hour for a corkscrew to be brought up from the front desk of a 3.5 star resort.

The moral of this story is that the Bahamas, and the Caribbean generally, make for a good getaway only if you are short on time and want a quick weekend escape. The hidden corners of Central America are just as attractive, less expensive, and far friendlier, if you’re willing to spend a few extra hours to arrive. Don’t sign that long term rental agreement on a Bahamanian escape hut just yet – there are greener waters elsewhere.

Traveling Landlord Escapade – Why Singapores is a Favorite for American & European Expats

First of all, what the he11 is Singapore? Is it a country? Is it a city? Is it an island?

It’s all of the above, actually – an island just off of Malaysia that is an autonomous city-state; in other words, a one-city country. So what is it about Singapore that makes it so worthwhile? What’s so compelling about this small island in Southeast Asia?

First of all, it’s a wealthy, first-world nation, with all the amenities that any world traveler could desire. Yet it’s one of only two major cities in the world that can boast it has rain forest within city limits – a rare claim.

And then there’s the fact that it’s extremely heterogenous: with roughly 70% of the population ethnic Chinese, the rest is a mix of Malaysians, Indians, and Americans and Europeans, all drawn together by the English language (though the accent is difficult to understand: locally known as Singlish). One of the benefits of this diverse population is the mix of food that ranges from Thai to Indian to French to American to Chinese (the Thai and Indian are particularly excellent).

In particular, the financial sector is extremely strong and welcoming to experienced Americans and Europeans (hint hint).

Singapore also boasts a strong environmental policy, from encouraging use of renewable energy to recycling to vehement anti-littering policies to limitations on car imports and ownership. In fact, there’s a lottery in place to bring cars into the country, although you can secure success by paying a massive fee. Even signing a lease agreement on a car can be tricky and expensive, but the good news is that Singapore is dedicated to minimizing car traffic and maximizing clean, efficient public transportation, so their metro and bus systems are among the best in the world.

Singapore is a tropical island, and very close to the equator, which means its temperature remains balmy year-round in the 80s.

One of the benefits of living in Singapore is that it is the region’s transportation hub, meaning that flying just about anywhere else in Southeast Asia is both cheap and easy to do. If you feel like a little world-class scuba diving in Phuket, you can fly round trip for a night or two for about $50… not so bad, considering Phuket is a several hour flight away in Thailand.

So what’s the drawback? What’s wrong with Singapore?

The problem with Singapore is that, recognizing its unique position as an island nation, the government charges heavy tariffs on any “luxury” goods entering the country, including all alcohol, most mid- to upscale clothing, good foods, jewelry, etc. This means that prices in Singapore can be steep, including the housing, which is limited due to physical constraints of buildable land. Finding a cheap lease agreement can be tricky, and as mentioned earlier, having a car is strongly discouraged by the government.

Go visit, have fun, and spend at least a week, but preferably a year, among the laid back culture of expats (after all, only the Malaysians are native, and their numbers are few).

Traveling Landlord Guide – Surviving Vegas (and Leaving UP)

VEGAS BABY VEGAS!!!!

Las Vegas, NV is a world unlike any other. If you’ve been, you know what I mean – everything is larger than life, everything costs money, everything is over the top, and being young, rich, and sexy makes you king/queen of the town.

Which is great, if you’re young, rich and sexy. But what if you’re not? That’s ok, we’ve got you covered, but either way it’s probably not a good idea to go sign a long-term rental contract on a condo in Vegas.

If You’re Older than 32

If you’re young, you can get away with casual (t-shirts, shorts, flip flops). If you’re over 32, you need to dress better to command respect – business casual is a minimum (read: fashionable dress pants [no pleats, somewhat form-fitting], collared shirts, and a non-white undershirt), and in some cases a fashionable suit worn without a tie is the way to go. Ladies tend to have fewer problems dressing up and looking chic, but remember to make the effort.

Mandatory Fashion Note: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you allowed to wear Hawaiian shirts, unless you specifically put them on as camouflage for the poker tables. This can be an effective strategy to deceive your opponents into thinking you’re a tourist d0uchebag.

If You’re Not Rich

As you may have inferred from our discussion about dressing up, part of our approach in Vegas is to create the illusion of wealth, as the whole city feeds on it like a heroin addict. If you’re not flying in on your private jet, and don’t have a standing rental contract on several Italian sports cars, fear not, all is not lost. The good news is that it’s cheap to fly to Vegas, due to the airport being a transfer hub, and it’s cheap to stay in Vegas, due to the hotels’ main source of income being the casinos.

The bad news is that everything you do in Vegas costs a LOT of money. If you’re on a budget, it helps to:

1. Go during the week: the shows, clubs, hotels and even some restaurants cost less during the week.
2. Eat at the food courts: the steak houses are great, but you’ll drop $100/person easily.
3. Do the free stuff, like the pool and seeing the free attractions (Mirage volcano, etc)
   
4. Pre-game before getting to the clubs: buy your booze at the store, and pre-party in your rooms, in the casinos, or on the streets – there’s no open alcohol laws in Vegas!
5. Gamble with care: more on this below.

If You’re Not Sexy

Dos: dress it up, hit the posh clubs, order table service, drink Red Bull & vodkas to raise the Crazy Meter, be aggressively fun (it’s not out of line to rally the troops to sneak into the pool late-night).

Don’ts: don’t hit the pool in daylight, don’t hit the strip clubs or call the h00ker cards unless you’re very wealthy, don’t hang out at the casino bars brooding, don’t do anything that is NOT the coolest, funnest, or most outrageous possible maneuver in your situation.

If You Want to Gamble

First, know that no matter how smart you think you are, the House has already thought of everything you come up with. Mathematically, the rules to every game are structured so that it is impossible to win money in the long term. Additionally, they have a lot of thugs under employment and rental contract, who would love nothing more than to break some fingers should you try anything. This means several things:

• You can’t win consistently or predictably without cheating
• You will get caught pretty quickly if you try to cheat
• All betting systems are inherently flawed, so use them with care.

You can, however, win in the short term, if you are prepared to accept the risk of losing. Chances are, you will fluctuate between being up and being down by a factor of about 5X your bet, with your average bankroll slowly decreasing over time.

This means that if you’re willing to only play for a few minutes, and leave with only minimal winnings, there’s a very strong chance you can leave up. The formula goes as follows:

1. Set a maximum bankroll (example: $200)
   
2. Set a maximum winnings amount (example: $150)
3. Set a time limit (example: 45 minutes).
4. Know every rule, every bet guideline, and every mathematically “right” move for your game of choice.
   

So, you sidle up to the blackjack table and cash in with $200 (if you lose it, game over, you’re done). You’re dealt double aces (lucky you) and, knowing your game of choice inside and out, you split them, winning both. After 20 minutes, you’re up $150 (with a total cash-in-hand of $350), so you collect your winnings and cash out. Alternatively, you’re only up about $10 after 45 minutes, so what do you do? You collect your winnings and cash out.

Oh, and order as many expensive drinks as you can while you’re playing; they’re free! Just make sure your time limit is such that you won’t feel their effects until after you’ve cashed out, and make sure not to get behind the wheel of that Ferrari you signed a half-day rental contract on.

Traveling Landlord out.

Next Week: Why Singapore is a favorite of American & European expats worldwide.